Crap!

…That pretty much sums up my thoughts on life right now: Crap. That’s all I see, that’s how I feel, and that’s what my future looks like.

I’m just so sick and tired of all this crap.

Yesterday, I was walking in the rain, which I usually tend to enjoy, but this time, it was different. I started thinking thoughts better unthought, and I got depressed yet again. When I got home, I found the suicide letter I wrote to my boyfriend a month or so ago. I started crying, ’cause I remembered how it scared the shit out of him. I don’t really want to die, at least I thinkso now, when I’m “sane”. But when I get depressed, I write these letters, I think about death a lot, and I realize I don’t really have any reason to keep living, even though I know I have plenty of them.

I’ve never been abused, I’ve always had one friend, I don’t have any divorced relatives at all, I have 3 out of 4 grandparents still alive, and I don’t have any problems with alcohol or drugs.

Still, when I get down, I get really, really down, to the point where I just don’t see the point…

Last week, I was supposed to have my first appointment at a therapist, but it got cancelled due to a sudden crisis somewhere else… I feel so discarded and put aside, almost forgotten, ’cause I haven’t gotten a new appointment yet.

And now I’m sitting in my office, trying to be productive and get things done, though I just feel like locking myself up in the toilet and cry for hours… I really wish my mentor would return soon and have time for me… But he’s away for at least another hour, probably even longer. And here I am, stuck with these thoughts that scare the living daylight out of me, and nobody’s here to hear my cries for help.

At least, nobody understands them…

Oh, by the way

The name of the page means “heavy thoughts”, it’s Norwegian. I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Hmmmm

I realized I wanted to be anonymous, so I started a new blog on a new blog page. I have so many thoughts in my mind I want to sort out, but I don’t want anybody to know I’m having them… I don’t want people to be afraid or hurt or worried about me.

The thing is; I’ve got a really low self-esteem. Big deal, many teens have that, you may say. Yes, many other kids were moced at school, never had that many friends, etc. And I’ve even gotten engaged, and I’m getting married. So I really should be happy. The thing is; I’m not…

I really have all the reasons to be happy, I’ve got a great family, few but good friends, a fabulous fiancé, good health, etc. But I also work way too much for peanuts, I don’t have any spare time whatsoever, and I can suddenly sit down and cry for no obvious reason.

Lately, my crying and worrying and thoughts about ending this miserable life, have started to scare me. I don’t feel like I’m always in control of myself, and when I’m really down, I can’t seem to even imagining life to improve. It really makes me feel even worse about myself, since I apparently don’t realize how good my life is.

This year, I work part time and study part time, it’s supposed to be a balanced thing. But I still work my ass off and more, and barely have any time to study. I’m supposed to work approximately 30 hrs a week, but I don’t think I’ve ever worked less than 45. And when I have “time off”, my spare time activities have been so mixed up in work, that I really can’t relax when I’m there, either. The only place I really feel at ease, is at my boyfriend’s. But it’s kinda stressful, having to go to him, call him and in other ways “bother” him everytime I feel blue.

I know he has to deal with all of me since we’re getting married, and he says he doesn’t matter, but still… I feel like a real pain in the ass sometimes, and I don’t want to be like this! I’ve been talking a lot to a great friend, and he’s recommended me to see someone professional. I think he’s gotten quite worried about me, since I could list 5 days in one week I’d had thoughts about commiting suicide. One night it was so bad I had to drive to him in the middle of the night, because I was afraid to stay in my house, with my own company… We’ve got pretty strong drugs at home because of illness in the family, and I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about the box with pills, so I had to leave home. I shaked and had tears in my eyes all the way (about 30 mins drive), and caught myself thinking it would all be over if only I missed one of the turns on the road. I’d hit the mountainside or end up in the river or in another car or something, and it’d all be over – peaceful, nice, painless…

I can really understand him for being worried, I get worried too! I don’t really want to die, but sometimes, I just can’t seem to convince myself about just that. I’ve even gotten to the point of writing a good bye letter to everyone I love!

So, I’m kinda glad he contacted this psychologist, therapist or whatever she is, so I can figure out what I’m really thinking, and why. Then maybe I can move on, and don’t have to worry about myself as much as now…